A Coffee Date

Hi friend. Can we grab some coffee? Something has been on my heart lately and I'd love to chat.

(source.)

If we sat down for coffee I'd tell you about a phone call I got a couple weeks ago that made me sad. I was getting ready to take some photos for a blog post when my mom called. We hadn't caught up in a while and she wanted to let me know the latest news about my grandpa. (My grandpa has progressive supranuclear palsy and lives in a nursing home.)
She told me he has been choking lately. I instantly think back to my trip to Michigan when she told me choking was one of the causes of death in people with this disease. She tells me that hospice has been called in, and that.....we need to get prepared.
"Six months," she says. "It could be less than that."
She tells me she read my entire Etsy interview to him when she last visited the nursing home. And the first thing my grandpa said in response was "She was always smart."
Hearing my mom tell me this brings on tears. I struggle to keep my voice calm. She reminds me that he always asks about me.
At this point in telling you this, over our coffees, I have to break from our conversation (and in typing this). There's those tears again. I excuse myself to blow my nose a bajillion times. Then return, take a sip of coffee, and continue.
I tell you how it breaks my heart that my grandpa has to hear about my life through an internet article. I worry that I will feel guilty when he's gone for not being there for his last years. Then I admit to myself that the guilt is already there.
I hope that he is proud of me for pursuing my dreams. And I hope he knows that I feel so lucky to have been the first grandchild of such an special man.
More tears.

Learning

When I quit my day job, I was ready to learn as much as I could about owning, marketing, and growing a business. What I didn't know, was that in turn, I was going to learn about myself.

The last month has been really amazing. Meeting so many new faces at two Renegade shows, participating in Etsy's Quit Your Day Job series, launching new products...it all has made me feel incredibly happy, and incredibly lucky. Maybe it's because of all of this that I feel like I have grown a lot in the passed few months. Not just within my business, but in myself.

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I've learned how much owning a business requires you to put yourself out there. In order to pursue growth you have to really open yourself up to possible scrutiny. New ideas that you put a lot of time and thought into can fail. It's giving me a thicker skin. I'm opening myself up to the possibility of failure.

A few weeks ago I hosted an Instagram giveaway to share my new product launch. I was really nervous that no one would want to enter. Don't we all have this fear? Don't all small business owners put themselves out there when it comes to launching new products? Isn't there the doubt, way in the back of our minds, of "what if no one likes this?"

We all feel this. Vulnerability.

I have always been shy. I have always been quiet. Scared to speak up in a room of people I don't know well, for fear I will say something they think it weird or dumb. Maybe it's lack of confidence.

This business is helping me gain that confidence. It's helping me learn who I am. That is something I never expected. I feel like I know more about who I am now, than I did a year ago. And that is thanks to this new journey I am on. It is a constant test but it's because of this that I continue to learn from it. It's making me a more confident person. It's showing me who I am and who I want to become, and where I want this business to take me.

xo JA

My First Tattoo Story

If you follow me on Instagram, you were the first to see a glimpse of me getting my first tattoo. I have wanted a tattoo for at least 10 years. I've always liked the way they looked and would look at other's longingly, wanting one of my own.

Of course, I wasn't without the common tattoo fears....the pain, the permanency....both sort of freaked me out and I think that's why I put it off for so long. But 10 years later, I was still talking about wanting a tattoo and something in me just went off. So frickin get one Jules. Stop talking. Do it.

For my design, I decided on the lyric "sigh no more" from one of my favorite bands, Mumford and Sons (ever heard of them? ;] ) I have always been really into lyrics. I was that emo girl in high school/college that wrote lyrics on her notebook and put them in her AIM profile (remember those??) to cryptically share what I was feeling about whatever boy I liked. And in general, I am a pretty stressed out person. It's hard for me to let go, and not worry about things. I worry a lot. Too much. I need to chill. Relax. Chillax. This tattoo is my reminder to not sweat the small stuff, and not take life too seriously.

The morning of my appointment, J drove me to the tattoo parlor. I was freaking out. I'm pretty sure I kept saying "omgomgomg" out loud. We had to wait a while before getting started and it didn't help my nerves. I was nauseas and asked J if he could go next door and pick me up some tea. I sat there, foot bouncing (twitching?), mind racing, until the tattoo artist called me over. As soon as he started prepping my arm, I relaxed. I guess it was just those initial "leading up to the big moment" moments that made my anxiety kick into overdrive. Actually going through the motions of getting one felt natural because it was something I knew I wanted.

The pain....I mean, yeah, there was pain. I've heard a lot of people say "it didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would." That wasn't the case for me. It did hurt. Did I handle it with a damn good poker face? Hell yes. I'm pretty sure J excepted me to cry out a bit or something. He told me I handled it well. Damn straight.

Do you have any tattoos? Where? What? Why? Did you become addicted, like so many people say? Tell me! I'm curious! xo JA

Home

The reason for my trip to Michigan was to celebrate my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. Not only is that a crazy milestone, but my grandpa's health is quickly dwindling (six years ago he was diagnosed with supranuclear palsy) so I knew it was something that I couldn't miss.

It's not easy, coming home to see my grandpa in such a state. I hear about it from my mom, and have watched the drastic difference in him each time I make the trip to Michigan, but this time....it was really apparent just how bad things have gotten.

I guess I thought I would find a sense of closure this time, just in case. But I can't say I did. My grandpa's disease takes away his muscle control, and not only is it really difficult, and sometimes impossible, for him to move, but such is true when it comes to talking as well. It's hard for him to participate in conversation because the words come out so (soooooo) slowly.

His frustration with the disease is sometimes expressed with anger. This is something I had heard about from my mom, but had not yet seen. And it is definitely something I could have gone without seeing.

So, it's hard. It's hard going home in some ways. It's not the "home" I remember. Things have changed, as they do with time. And I know that I have changed as well. It's life, but it does make me a little sad to realize that home doesn't feel quite like home anymore. xo JA

10 Things That Make Me Happy

Today's May Blogging Challenge topic is "10 Things That Make You Happy."

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There's so many things that make me happy.

There's the obvious stuff (family, friends, my shop)...

So let's have fun with it, shall we?

Here's 10, although I could go on forever:

1. Driving with the windows down

2. Wearing dresses

3. Harry Potter

4. Surprises (however I pretend otherwise)

5. Rum and cokes

6. Songs that take me back to a good memory

7. New underwear

8. Long-term friendships

9. Pretty much any furry animal ever

10. Autumn in Michigan

What makes you happy? People? The little things? The big things? Tell me! xo JA

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What I Miss

Yesterday's Blog Everyday topic was "What do you miss?" I'm a day late, as I like to enjoy my weekends, but I still wanted to discuss this topic. Are you ready to get personal?

What do I miss? Time with my dad.

One day, soon after my freshman year of college started, my Mom called and told me that she was driving up to my college because she had something to tell me that "wasn't good." She assured me that my family was ok. "Nobody was in an accident or anything."

Three hours later my mom arrived at my dorm and told me that my Dad wanted a divorce. We cried together. I remember my roommate walked in, got an awkward look on her face, and quickly went into the bedroom. I don't remember saying much or asking questions. I didn't know what I was feeling or how this was happening. After 20 years of marriage, a divorce is something I never saw in the cards for my parents.

The next few months are kind of a blur. My family would tell you that I handled the divorce "well" and I think it's because I wasn't around for it. Since I was away at college I didn't witness what my parents went through. I guess I should be thankful for that.

One day, after the divorce was final, I was home from school and my grandma called. I remember her telling me my dad was "sick" for not "getting help" (marriage counseling). I'll never forget that. She called him selfish. She told me I should be mad at him. It was then that I realized my mom's side of the family was angry.  Maybe I was naive in thinking they wouldn't be.

What my angry family didn't see was my dad's suffering. And honestly, I wish I hadn't either. After the divorce my dad had no one. Backs were turned. He had no one to talk to. But me. I can tell you exactly where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, when my dad called me one night when I was at school. He was crying. I can't explain how it felt to hear this. To hear my dad, the strong man in my life, show pain, suffering....instability, vulnerability. It threw my off my feet and I started crying as soon as I hung up the phone. My friends immediately surrounded me in a hug and that was really the first time since my mom initially told me about the divorce that I showed so much emotion.

Since the divorce, I have seen a completely different side of my dad. He is so much more open with me about his feelings than he ever was when he was married to my mom. I know a part of him will always feel guilty for not being around as often after the divorce...not being able to "leave his influence" on me anymore. He is constantly reminding me how important I am to him, that raising me was the best experience of my life.

I've thought about whether or not I blame my dad for his decision. I've thought about whether or not I considered him selfish, as my grandma said. My dad was unhappy in his marriage. Should he have chosen to live unhappily for the rest of his life to make other's happy? He stayed until I was 18. He waited until I went away to school. To make it easier on me. To be there for me until I moved away.

I can't be mad at him for his decision. There is no grudge. But I do miss him.

xo JA


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Things I'm Scared Of

Today's Blogging Challenge topic: Things That I'm Scared Of.

(source.)

Well, if I'm being honest, I'm kind of a chicken. Although, I do feel myself making small changes (For example, this weekend I am going to a mini blogging conference by myself. I'm scared, but I'm making the effort to face the fear.)

Maybe one day I will become a "Yes Man" and be able to say yes to a lot more with no fear. But not today.

So here are some of my biggest fears:

Flying (aka: being crammed into a germ-infested flying tuna can)
Roller coasters (no thank you)
The thought of zip-lining (which I know I will be forced into one day)
Motion sickness (gross)
The ocean (almost drown when I was young)
Someone breaking in (am I the only weirdo that imagines this terrifying scenario??)
Losing loved ones (this is a normal one, right?)
Spiders (ahem)
Enclosed spaces I can't get out of easily (planes, taxis, buses)

I mean...what a wuss, right?

Basically, I think my biggest fear, which is a cause of a lot of the things on the list above, is not having control. Losing control, putting my trust in something or someone, is what gives me anxiety. Not so much in my emotional relationships, but just in life's physical aspects. Like I said...I'm working on it. :]

What are you afraid of? Did my list strike a couple chords or do you think I'm a big wuss? ;]



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My Favorite Quote

I'm back to the Blog Every Day In May Challenge today! Did you notice I missed yesterday? I missed Day two. Day TWO! Weak Jules, weak. Truth be told, it has been a damn crazy week and most of my time has been spent with my best friends, aka: cards.

Anyways! Here I am, ready to bend the rules (just a little more) on this blogging challenge and focus on Saturday's topic "Your Favorite Quote and Why You Love It."

These lyrics are from the song Twilight by Vanessa Carlton. I saw them some where, I don't remember where, my junior year of college. I loved them and immediately put them in my AOL Instant Messenger "profile." (Did anyone else live on AIM through high school and college? I was obsessed, especially in college when my best friends and (ex)boyfriend went to different schools.)

These lyrics have always stuck with me. They represent so much: growth, strength, optimism, perseverance. There's something to be said about being able to say good bye to your past and move forward. And although you will face challenges along the way, you won't let that stop you. It can be applied to so many aspects of life. I just love that message, so much in fact, that I've thought about getting a tattoo of one of the lines (still thinking about it actually) (do you have any tattoos? I've always wanted one).

Have a happy weekend! I'm planning to relaxxx, hopefully, so I'll see you Monday! xo JA


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My Life Story In 250 Words Or Less

Today starts the Blog Everyday In May Challenge! First let me say that I am not going into this planning to blog 31 days straight. That just ain't gonna happen folks. But I'm going to do my best to participate, and here's why. The reasoning behind why Jenni came up with the challenge. She says it best: " I want to get back to the basics. You know, the writing stuff. We bloggers feel a lot of pressure to write something "cool" and funny and relatable and enjoyable, and that's GREAT, but sometimes the pressure can be too much."

There is a list of topics for each day. The rules aren't strict. You can skip around, go out of order, whatever you want. If you are a blogger and would like to participate, DO IT!

Today's topic: Describe your life story in 250 words or less. Here we go:

I was born in Detroit, Michigan, September 27, 1984. I grew up in the suburbs of Detroit as an only child. I hated not having a sibling, as there was no one to shift the blame to when I did something wrong. My parents were strict, and I was, for the most part, a good kid (despite those few teenage years, ahem).

I went away to college and I was in heaven.  I embraced the freedom to do whatever the hell I wanted (aka: skip class to drive three hours away for a free The Used concert). I finished up my college degree in Photojournalism with a summer internship at Martha Stewart Living's Omnimedia and then moved back home to start "real life."

I got a job at a photography studio, where I stayed for three years making shit money and having no benefits. But my evenings and weekends spent with my best friends are some of the best times I've ever had. It was a bittersweet day when I decided that although I was happy in MI, I was in need of something new. My move to CA shook me up at first and it was not the easiest transition.

But obviously I found the love of my life here, so that combined with the whole running my own business thing, well I'm not sure I've ever felt so content in life. It's been almost 4 years in California, and I can't imagine being anywhere else right now.

So there you go, a quick version of my life story. I thought for sure I went over 250 words but I used a handy word count tool thingy and it said 246. I did it! You should join in and link up for the Blog Everyday In May Challenge too! Tell me your life story.


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